Titus is going to kindergarten for the last time ever today. This means no more Fierce Devout Teacher, but if you think I'm sighing with relief, think again. For last night I attended the first of many parents' evenings with his new school teacher, and just five minutes in her company was enough to confirm that she will outdo her kindergarten colleague in every way. She kicked off the fun with a list of 'tips' for us parents, which were actually thinly disguised rules, and had she given us a copy I'd gladly reproduce it for you here. Sadly, we had to rely on taking notes. My heart sank lower with every rule - sorry, I mean tip - in fact, by the time I went home it had dropped through the floor into the girls' toilets on the floor below. So. We parents must be models of good behaviour. We must read regularly, not only aloud to our children, but be seen reading a variety of literature around the house. We must seem to be enjoying said literature, the aim being that Junior thinks hey! Mom and Pop are reading and having so much fun. I must learn how to as soon as possible, then I can have that much fun too!
Next, we never jump red lights, even when we are in a hurry. We don't swear. While Junior is doing his homework, we stay within earshot, but not too close. We keep distractions at bay and make ourselves available to our child at all times, engaging ourselves in tasks that can be easily broken off at any time. Then came my personal favourite - the snack, or Pausenbrot as it's known here. Specific rules apply; two slices of thick wholegrain bread, spread with butter, filled with cheese, ham or sausage and at least one kind of vegetable. Sugar is strictly forbidden. And let's not forget TV. Teacher's preference would be that her pupils watch none at all, but even she, oh paragon of virtue and mother of two well-adjusted high-achieving daughters, had to admit that a minute number of programmes could be of educational value. Preferably, parents select TV shows in advance after a mature discussion with their partner. They watch with the child and then analyse the content afterwards, to ensure Junior has learned something. If not, that particular programme is no longer in the running for future viewing.
And so it went on. And on. Parents' evening is compulsory, Teacher notes each and every no-show. Even one of these can have a negative influence on the child. Don't buy cheap arts and craft materials - children are quick to notice when their glue, or brush, or pinking shears, are of a lower calibre than others. Practise the journey to school with your child. Make sure they wear the right clothes, shoes, hat. Last but not least, the sheep were separated from the goats: all Catholic parents were handed a letter of welcome from the Bishop. The Protestants were left empty-handed. I guess we have to find our own spiritual guidance.
When Teacher had finally finished, I surveyed the dismal ring of parents and felt their pain. It was easy to distinguish the keen, eager-beaver types from the God-help-me I've got three other children, a full-time job and six dogs at home types. The former had glittering eyes and were leaning forward in their dwarf-sized chairs. They will strive to please Teacher at all costs. The latter leant back with an air of exhausted resignation, foreseeing many struggles ahead.
We filed out into the driving rain. I put my foot in a pothole and got a wet sock. Once home, I ate three slices of toast and marmite out of pure frustration. Rang my mother for comfort. It's still raining. Maybe it will rain a bit more this afternoon, too.
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