Tips from a jaded expat

I've been 'reaching out' (hate that phrase) to the wider community recently.  That is to say, I've been reading other people's blogs, particularly those of ex-pats, which makes a welcome change from struggling through a day in the Bavarian dialect.  There are so many amusing writers out there - what a wealth of untapped talent!  But glimmering beneath the humour is also the desperation; the sheer exhaustion of trying to get to grips with life in this formidable country and its language.  I wish I could offer some useful tips, having lived here for over ten years.  Sadly, the best I can come up with is:

(1) When people squeeze past you in crowded shops, they really aren't being rude.  Perhaps they just have poor spatial awareness.  And they are brought up that way, rightly or wrongly.
(2) German old people are all fierce, except when confronted with dogs and small children, in that order of preference.  Then they melt like butter on a hot potato.
(3) You really shouldn't walk on the grass, even when there is no sign telling you so.
(4) If you can't remember the gender of something, stick 'chen' on the end - the diminutive form.  Words with 'chen' are always 'das'.  It doesn't work so well with large objects, such as cathedral or elephant.  You have to choose between grammatical perfection and looking silly.  It's a thin line.
(5) The overly direct way of talking and frequent use of the imperative form can be scary at first.  I assure you though, after a while you will relish knowing where you stand.  Back in Blighty or the good old US of A, you'll wonder why people take so long to get to the point.
(6) The German definition of spicy, i.e. in curry, is extremely mild.  Take a korma, reduce the 'hot' factor by half, and you get spicy, German style.
(7)  Germans don't like tap water but it is safe to drink and tastes great.
(8) It is not weird when people bring their own slippers to your house when they come for tea.  Just practical.
(9) Germans do have a sense of humour.  It might not be the same as yours, but it is there. Sometimes extremely well-hidden.
(10) No German person can pronounce any of the following 'a' sounds - apple, sandwich, dad, cat, happy, etc, etc.  Don't bother trying to make them.

I hope this helps somewhat.  I may sound a tad cynical, but a healthy dose of cynicism is needed to survive here.  That said, I think it is a wonderful country; the language is really not that difficult, in that the rules are consistent, unlike in French or English, for example. There are lots of rules here, but after a while you will see that they make sense - mostly -and it doesn't pay to rebel.  Nothing will happen to you, but you will live in a state of permanent frustration.  Just go with it, and have a good laugh behind closed doors (and windows, to be on the safe side) when you get home from a hard day.  And don't forget the cyber community waiting to share your woes.