The concept of a 'five items or less' till has yet to occur to German supermarket owners. Or so it would appear. Regardless of how many things you wish to buy - and this ranges from the old guy with one cabbage, one salami and a bottle of cloudy apple juice (why??) to the stressed mother with heaving trolleyful of family-orientated groceries (me), you are forced to queue up at the one and only till that is open. This, I have observed, has led to the evolution of most aggressive and selfish behaviour amongst German shoppers.
Firstly, if it is you with the full trolley, you must resign yourself to hatred from all sides. You are entirely to blame, for why don't you adopt the little and often motto, like a good housewife should? Secondly, people pick their moments to queue up, and when they deem the line too long, they simply carry on perusing the fine goods - and there are many to be had - until there is a lull in proceedings, at which point they charge to the till like a buffalo fleeing a lion. Once in the queue, everyone eyes the other, as yet unmanned, tills, knowing that sooner or later, an assistant will come back from their fag break and utter the hallowed words "anyone want to come to me?" When this happens, a split-second decision must be made - do you stay or go? Hesitate too long, and the decision is made for you, as half your queue dashes over there, not caring who or what they damage in their quest to be first in the new queue. And you are left standing, with bruised toes, experiencing a strange sense of loss.
Let us not forget the customer who, indeed, has five items or less. For some reason, the German shopper believes this entitles him or her to jump the queue. Now, we've all been there. You pop in for a bag of apples and a lightbulb, only to find yourself queueing for ten minutes behind people with heaving trolleys. The uninitiated, stupid or altruistic of us - and tourists - will simply accept our lot and wait our turn. Most people, however, will either ask outright if they can go in front of you - and it takes guts to refuse them, believe me - or they deploy indirect but intimidating threat tactics, which can involve sighing, glaring, complaining to the person behind them, or a mixture of all three. There is only one way to deal with this. Avoid all eye contact, stare fixedly in front of you, and ignore them. Even a tiny chink in your armour will be exploited, so stay strong and focus on the thought that you have EVERY RIGHT to pay and escape first.
To compensate for this, there will be days when you are feeling magnanimous, and there might be someone behind you who is NOT trying to jump the queue. Here's what you do. Turn to them, smile benignly and say something along the lines of, oh, is that all you've got? Please, go in front of me - I have so much and you so little, to which they will say, are you sure??? And you nod, and they beam gratefully, and all the people in front of you feel compelled to let them past too. The last glimpse you have of the five-items customer is them skipping happily back to their car, marvelling at the generosity of human nature. And that more than makes up for the other people hating you, doesn't it?
You may think me bitter and twisted. Perhaps you have popped into a German supermarket once or twice and had a rare old time, and cannot for the life of you imagine how I can spout such cynical claptrap. But you see, the above observations are based on years of patient study, and thousands of trips to all the main supermarket chains. Believe me, I know my onions.
Firstly, if it is you with the full trolley, you must resign yourself to hatred from all sides. You are entirely to blame, for why don't you adopt the little and often motto, like a good housewife should? Secondly, people pick their moments to queue up, and when they deem the line too long, they simply carry on perusing the fine goods - and there are many to be had - until there is a lull in proceedings, at which point they charge to the till like a buffalo fleeing a lion. Once in the queue, everyone eyes the other, as yet unmanned, tills, knowing that sooner or later, an assistant will come back from their fag break and utter the hallowed words "anyone want to come to me?" When this happens, a split-second decision must be made - do you stay or go? Hesitate too long, and the decision is made for you, as half your queue dashes over there, not caring who or what they damage in their quest to be first in the new queue. And you are left standing, with bruised toes, experiencing a strange sense of loss.
Let us not forget the customer who, indeed, has five items or less. For some reason, the German shopper believes this entitles him or her to jump the queue. Now, we've all been there. You pop in for a bag of apples and a lightbulb, only to find yourself queueing for ten minutes behind people with heaving trolleys. The uninitiated, stupid or altruistic of us - and tourists - will simply accept our lot and wait our turn. Most people, however, will either ask outright if they can go in front of you - and it takes guts to refuse them, believe me - or they deploy indirect but intimidating threat tactics, which can involve sighing, glaring, complaining to the person behind them, or a mixture of all three. There is only one way to deal with this. Avoid all eye contact, stare fixedly in front of you, and ignore them. Even a tiny chink in your armour will be exploited, so stay strong and focus on the thought that you have EVERY RIGHT to pay and escape first.
To compensate for this, there will be days when you are feeling magnanimous, and there might be someone behind you who is NOT trying to jump the queue. Here's what you do. Turn to them, smile benignly and say something along the lines of, oh, is that all you've got? Please, go in front of me - I have so much and you so little, to which they will say, are you sure??? And you nod, and they beam gratefully, and all the people in front of you feel compelled to let them past too. The last glimpse you have of the five-items customer is them skipping happily back to their car, marvelling at the generosity of human nature. And that more than makes up for the other people hating you, doesn't it?
You may think me bitter and twisted. Perhaps you have popped into a German supermarket once or twice and had a rare old time, and cannot for the life of you imagine how I can spout such cynical claptrap. But you see, the above observations are based on years of patient study, and thousands of trips to all the main supermarket chains. Believe me, I know my onions.
No comments:
Post a Comment